girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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