i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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