just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
im holly from the hills drunk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
