please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
whose ass print is on the piano?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
