Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
