I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
