nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
