thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
