Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
