Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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