Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
