i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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