when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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