Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
