tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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