Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
