I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
