the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
