did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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