Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
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I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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