I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
