I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
