I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
how drunk are you?
Several
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
