Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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