we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
