i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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