Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
