The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
