ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
