im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
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I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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