I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
