Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
