Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
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I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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