I wish I could punch you in the face.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
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He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
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We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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