k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
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yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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