Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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