im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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