Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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