I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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