I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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