Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
and she was petting her beer can
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
