when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
