I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
