i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
