sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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