remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
