The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
