In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
