He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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