He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
