apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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