so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize