Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
