he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
