i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
